Copulating deaf couple unaware of own volume

[Sorry folks, I don't usually do this, but I kinda had to share this article. Happy Festivus. - JMG]

Monday night, a record number of noise complaints were received by Residential Security Officers in Roger Revelle College. Officers responding to the calls found the sexual activity of a deaf couple to be the source of the noises, which were described as "cacophonous" by witnesses.

The first officer on the scene, Frank Zipelli, reported, "I could hear those two all the way from the parking lot." According to Zipelli, "It sounded as if they were bludgeoning a cow. There would be a low moan, like a ‘moo,’ and then a ‘bang’ and a higher-pitched ‘moo.’ It was like ‘MOO…BANG…MOOO!’"

Upon further investigation, officers on the scene were able to locate the disturbance in the bedroom of Revelle sophomore Katherine Chavez. "All her suite-mates were awake," said Zipelli. “They all were crowded around her door, afraid to go in.”

Jamie Valencia was one of those at the scene. "We banged on the door for 15 minutes straight!" said Valencia. "The sounds wouldn’t stop—they kept getting louder until the floor was shaking. I had a midterm in the morning and needed to sleep, so I called the police."

"We thought she had broken a leg or something," added Julie Klein. "The moans and thumping sounded like she kept hitting the wall, but her boyfriend was there too. I thought he might be beating her, but I was afraid to intervene."